26.2

Ok, so to be honest, I started running because of pride/envy/jealousy. A neighbor had signed up for a half marathon with a group of her friends. They were all about 10 years older than me and were not as active as I was at the time. I thought (to myself) that if they could do it, why couldn't I? I know how bad that sounds...it was a starting point though. I soon got addicted to running!!

I started training two years ago for the Disney World Princess half marathon (2010) and finished it! Afterwards, I was so depressed that it was over, so I signed up for a few more halves! I eventually decided to tackle a full marathon and what better place to do it?? DISNEY!!
I used the Hal Higdon training program on Training Peaks and only missed a few days due to illness and two torn tendons (cast still on...dr appt tomorrow). I felt pretty confident as the 26.2 mile race approached.

• The first 10 miles were pretty easy. I had a good pace plus, they were passing out 500 mg of Tylenol at a medical tent...whoot whoot!
• Eric was at mile 12.5 waiting for me...it was so nice to see him and get some support! Apparently, the kids were still sleeping! PUNKS!!
• At mile 19, there was a GROSS, dead opossum in the middle of the road. I totally almost stepped right in it!
• Mile 20 and beyond were the longest miles I've ever run in my life!! People were dropping like flies! Even though I wanted to quit so bad...the pain, the exhaustion were UNBELIEVABLE, I knew I would finish. I continued to do mental checks on myself to make sure I wasn't going to collapse.
• About mile 25, I was dying!! I had cried 5-6 times over the last few miles and I was pushing so hard, but then there was this woman along the sideline. She looked down at my bib to see my name and said, "Come on Brina, you know you can do it!". That was THE BEST EVER!! She was the first person to correctly pronounce my name all day! It was exactly what I needed to hear to finish the last mile. I cried a little harder, but PUSHED through.

NOTHING will ever feel as good as crossing the finish line and seeing my family! I started crying and I wasn't sure when or how I would stop. I grabbed the chain link fence and just held on. I still can't comprehend or even wrap my head around the fact that I DID IT!! The 26.2 miles humbled me...it was an incredible distance that I really don't want to do again! I love 13.1 miles...that is a perfect challenge for me (thank you very much). I love my medal and it was an awesome feeling to have it placed around MY neck. I would still be wearing it if I didn't think people would stare and laugh at me :)
I got a present from Eric when we got to the car. I told Eric to not get me anything because I didn't want to jinx myself!! However, I LOVE my charm!! I'll post the whole ensemble when it's on a necklace!!

As for my time...I had to wait in line for a port-a-potty four times and I stopped to take pictures with characters...but my final (official) time was 5:51. My Garmin said 5:33...it pauses when I stopped at the bathroom and to take a picture. It also said I ran 26.62 miles instead of 26.2. Anyway...I did it!!!

I. DID. IT.



Additions and updates: 

• At about four hours in, all you could hear were running feet...it was really quiet.  Some feet were pounding harder than others...but mostly silence.  All of a sudden, this dude shouts out, "Whoooo Hooooo I just lost a pound!  That's 3500 calories, right??!!?  I rock!!"  I was cracking up!
• The "Wedding Singer" band playing a very cheesy version of "Come On Eileen".  Also at about mile 24 there was a band or DJ playing "Sweet Caroline".  I was singing with a little guy running to my right...BA BA BAAAA and the other part...SO GOOD!  SO GOOD!  SO GOOD!  SO GOOD!
• There were these two guys dressed up like flamingos.  I kept pace with them for almost the whole race and then I think they fell behind me (they kept stopping to take more pictures).  Anyway, they were hysterical!  Like the above, it would be really quiet, in-between characters etc and all of a sudden, they would shout out funny things or just yell, "wooooooo hooooooo".  They were really fun and made the race a blast!  Will post if I find any pictures of them.
• Too much TMI?? Quit reading now!  I'm currently having MAJOR butt muscle spasms!!

Songs I like to run to...

It's summer weather here in FL, even though it's barely May. That means it's way too hot for me to run outside. I get overheated and dizzy! When I do run outside, I love to just listen to what's around me...not wear headphones. However, now that I've had to move indoors to a treadmill, the headphones are on.

• "Lose Yourself" Eminem
• "Love Struck" the extended version V Factory
• "Rollin'" Limp Bizkit
• "One Step Closer" Linkin Park
• "In the End" Linkin Park
• "Blurry" Puddle of Mudd
• "Cup of Life" Ricky Martin
• "How Soon is Now" The Smiths
• "Jump Right In" The Urge
• "Volcano Girls" Veruca Salt
• "Little Bird" Annie Lennox
• "Meet Me Halfway" Black Eyed Peas
• "Womanizer" Britney Spears
• "Ooh Ooh Baby" Britney Spears
• "Miracle" Cascada
• "Good Girls Go Bad" Cobra Starship
• "Lovers In Japan" Coldplay
• "Lacrymosa" Evanescence
• "Sugar We're Goin' Down" Fall Out Boy
• "Thnks Fr Te Mmrs" Fall Out Boy
• "Paralyzer" Finger Eleven
• "Shimmer" Fuel
• "Guilty" Gravity Kills
• "Hitchin' For A Ride" Green Day
• "Reach Out" Hilary Duff
• "Canned Heat" Jamiroquai
• "Numb/Encore" Linkin' Park & Jay-Z
• "No Such Thing" John Mayer
• "Tik Tok" Ke$ha
• "Telephone" Lady Gaga
• "Just Dance" Lady Gaga

That's my list, for those who were asking :)

Missing Emme...

If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even ,you experience them fully and completely You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, "Alright I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.

~Mitch Albom


Grief is the price we pay for love.

~Queen Elizabeth II


Grief is neither a disorder nor a healing process; it is a sign of health itself, a whole and natural gesture of love. Nor must we see grief as a step toward something better. No matter how much it hurts—and it may be the greatest pain in life—grief can be an end in itself, a pure expression of love.

~Gerald May


Tears are the silent language of grief.

~Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

~Ben Moody

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

'Cause you are my forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

~Richard Marx and Linda Thompson

Beach etiquette

Our family went to our local beach yesterday. There were more people there than usual (I guess due to spring break). E and I laughed about some of the stuff people do at the beach and I decided that I was going to post a beach etiquette blog to help those in need of assistance.

1. NEVER hunt for shells in front of other people. It's THEIR SPACE! From the beginning of their chairs to the end. It's just rude!
2. Clean up after yourself. It's awful for those of us who live here to put up with people leaving trash on our beaches! Who do you think cleans it up?
3. If you have ever had children (or have no belly/stretch marks) please don't wear a thong or tiny bikini. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT!!!
4. Please don't practice PDA. Again, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT!! I especially don't want my kids to see it.
5. The dunes are not to be played on. It causes erosion if you do.
6. If there is a flag out and the board says not to swim because there are sharks in the water. DON'T SWIM ANYWAY...THERE ARE SHARKS IN THE WATER!!! You look like an idiot and no one thinks you're cool!
7. If you are sitting close to others, please don't smoke near them. It's gross and you are bound to hear my son yell, "Who's smoking? That's gross!!"
8. If you are sitting close to others, please don't use foul language. I don't curse in front of my kids and I sure don't want anyone else to.
9. Try not to plop your stuff in front of others (unless there is no where else to go). Everyone wants a nice view of the ocean.
10. Please don't come to the beach stumbling drunk...then proceed to pass out with your legs spread for all the world to see. It's just gross and we all laugh at you while you're asleep!
11. Don't walk on the beach with flip flops near other people. It always makes the sand flip onto other people and their things.
12. Shaking your towel out near other people is rude.
13. Letting your children run wild is rude.
14. Please don't leave your trash in the parking lot either...and try to leave the bathrooms as clean as you found them. You would believe the things I've seen in the pubic bathrooms at our beach during busy tourist times.

June

I can feel my heart beating faster just thinking of the month of June. It starts all over again tomorrow. Every year I go through a cycle it seems (I'm going to ramble...hopefully it will be cathartic). In May, I stop sleeping at night and I start reliving the days leading up to that time in my life when EVERYTHING changed. I became a different person after those months back in 2001. I have different beliefs and I am hardened in ways I never thought possible.

I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat. Not anymore... I almost never cry, except when I think about Jacob and Emme. I don't necessarily think that is a good thing. I used to get teased for crying too much, but at least I FELT something. I was able to express how I felt without being scared. Sometimes I wonder if I let myself feel the brunt of everything, I'll drown in the tears...they might never stop.

Why do bad things happen to good people? That was the title of a book friends/family kept trying to get me to read. I never did. I didn't want to read about other people's pain...I was deep enough in my own. I still don't understand why bad things happen though. I feel so lucky for the people in my life. I have always been so thankful for the things I have. E and I had to work hard to get where we are today. We weren't given anything. That's why we were so proud of our first home...the ratty little house that it was. We bought it with our own money! We are good people who try to save the planet, who try to raise our children with awareness of other people/religions/cultures, who try to give more than we receive...but we still had those months in 2001.

I always play the "what if" game. I know other moms from loss groups who do it too. You think, "If I'd just not cleaned the counter that day, my water wouldn't have broken," or my favorite, "What if we would have not held her that day, would she have not died?". This game will be the end of me if I can't find away out of it. How?? I'm actually tearing up! I know that if none of that had happened, I wouldn't have my two great children now...I KNOW THAT. I just can't get over it being or not being my fault.


Jacob and Emme would have been 8 years old this June.

Jacob's feet and Emme during Kangaroo Care.

Bucket List email...

(x) Been to Europe
(x) Been on a cruise
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Climbed a lighthouse
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington, DC
(x) Played cops and robbers
( ) Flown a plane
( ) Owned a boat
(x) Rode a motorcycle
( ) Watched grandchildren grow and love every minute
(x) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby
( ) Been to Key West
(x) Been to a rodeo
(x) Sang Karaoke - Lip syncʼd
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of Beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your Tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise
( ) Seen the green flash at sunset
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating -
(x) Gone to the movies
( ) Owned a convertible


I'm going to find a better list next time!

Hysterical!!!