I can feel my heart beating faster just thinking of the month of June. It starts all over again tomorrow. Every year I go through a cycle it seems (I'm going to ramble...hopefully it will be cathartic). In May, I stop sleeping at night and I start reliving the days leading up to that time in my life when EVERYTHING changed. I became a different person after those months back in 2001. I have different beliefs and I am hardened in ways I never thought possible.
I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat. Not anymore... I almost never cry, except when I think about Jacob and Emme. I don't necessarily think that is a good thing. I used to get teased for crying too much, but at least I FELT something. I was able to express how I felt without being scared. Sometimes I wonder if I let myself feel the brunt of everything, I'll drown in the tears...they might never stop.
Why do bad things happen to good people? That was the title of a book friends/family kept trying to get me to read. I never did. I didn't want to read about other people's pain...I was deep enough in my own. I still don't understand why bad things happen though. I feel so lucky for the people in my life. I have always been so thankful for the things I have. E and I had to work hard to get where we are today. We weren't given anything. That's why we were so proud of our first home...the ratty little house that it was. We bought it with our own money! We are good people who try to save the planet, who try to raise our children with awareness of other people/religions/cultures, who try to give more than we receive...but we still had those months in 2001.
I always play the "what if" game. I know other moms from loss groups who do it too. You think, "If I'd just not cleaned the counter that day, my water wouldn't have broken," or my favorite, "What if we would have not held her that day, would she have not died?". This game will be the end of me if I can't find away out of it. How?? I'm actually tearing up! I know that if none of that had happened, I wouldn't have my two great children now...I KNOW THAT. I just can't get over it being or not being my fault.
Jacob
and Emme would have been 8 years old this June.
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2 comments:
Oh, Brina. I know it's always a hard time of the year. You relive those moments all over again. I do it every single year now, since 1996. It's natural. Doesn't mean it's easy or a walk in the park, but in some ways it's necessary.
Write more about this, okay? I truly think it IS cathartic to get it out there. Don't bottle it up. There are too many people who love you and WANT you to share it with them. I'm one of them!
Where ya been for so long?
I left a little gift for you at my blog. :)
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